The Last Embers Alight

On most days, I don't feel anything, nothing.
The rain is just water on my skin,
Music is science with strings and decibel levels,
And you, you are no more than a memory,
Of a skeleton, with flesh and blood and nerves...
Until, on some days,
The rain comes crashing down on my skin with the force of bullets,
Music turns to exorcism,
And you, you are a miracle...that did not last.
On most days, I can deal with this.
On most days, I can shroud your memory in a sigh,
Or a word or a song,
I have no need to disrupt routine life.
But, would you believe me if I told you, that it kills me sometimes,
That I can go on with routine life...
Sometimes, I fear losing you all over again,
Like the first day when you will no longer cross my mind.
Sometimes, you remain, morphed in my choice of coffee,
Advice to friends on places to visit,
And the way I still talk in a tizzy or suddenly quieten down,
On the bus routes we would take home.
Sometimes you serve as an example,
A story, nobody needs to know the origin of,
Cause nobody asks after a theoretical construct.
Sometimes, it's not you that I miss,
But the couch in the living room, the western sun on the balcony,
The baking pan we bought one Saturday afternoon,
It was... so convenient,
The striped pair of socks I forgot in a hurry,
And the music collection I left on your hard disk.
Sometimes, it's not the loss of you that I suffer...
Your mother no longer calls me on my Birthday,
Your friend no longer thinks I am funny,
Your brother doesn't tell me which movies to watch anymore.
I did not just lose you, I lost more.
You were not all there was to you.
Sometimes, I worry there were more graceful ways to say goodbye,
Than, "I'm still here for you,
I just, shouldn't be with you."
Sometimes, I linger around places and people you still see,
Just to assure myself you still breathe the same air as me.
Sometimes, I still hurt... a lot, and wonder if you hurt too,
But, it's beginning to pass.
Nowadays, mostly, I just hope you know,
That it doesn't matter how or why...we couldn't be,
We couldn't have been.
But, every inch of you is still beautiful and worth loving.