Of a Nyctophiliac

If you can't love me, hate me. But, passionately.
I will know you wished me well.

Endless Night

" I can't sleep."
" Try."
" I have tried. I just can't... sleep."
" Well of course you can't sleep. You won't shut up."
" I know. I need my brain to stop. It wont stop thinking. Everything in my head hurts. My nerves ache. My veins are swollen. I think, they'll burst. I need to stop."
" Well then, stop."
" I don't know how to stop. I keep trying to stop. But, I just can't....Help me stop."
" Stop thinking about how to stop."
" How? I just.... can't. Tell me though, Is it possible?"
" Is what possible?"
" Is it possible to not sleep for years? For so long, that you forget how to sleep?
  Is it possible to be this anxious? That you feel like your body can no longer contain you.
  That you're spilling out of your nerves and veins.
  That the wind passing through your lungs is cold and frigid, and tickles your windpipe and not in a good way.
  That you're sure someday you will explode in a room full of people, and everyone around you will be left  with blisters.
  That something's gone terribly wrong, and the story starts out just the same, but this time... Matilda turns  evil.
  Or worse still, this time Matilda knows no magic.
  Is it possible to relive something over and over and over again, for the rest of your life? To grieve and then  to tire of grieving. And then, to hold on to grieving, worrying that is the only thing you can perfect?
  Is it possible to be this disgusted at yourself? That you want to kill yourself, everyday, but not be able to  shoot yourself, and then hate yourself more the next day, for not having killed yourself?
  Is it possible to want to spew out blood? To drain yourself completely of all that's left? So that maybe, just  maybe somebody would help you find your way home.
  Is it possible to think like this every second, every minute, every hour of the day and then still live to be a hundred? To live for decades with corrosive burns eating into every inch of your soul?
  Is it possible?"
"  I don't know...."
" You know why I can't sleep?"
" Why?"
" I think it's possible."