Scars Don't Make You Beautiful

It does not help to romanticize sorrow...
If you must grieve every waking moment, do.
But, I will not tell you how beautiful your tears are...
Nor the smile that you feign so well, the way you wear it like an armour,
You should know...
Beneath the metal, there is skin, and it is just as soft.
So, I will not tell you how brave you are for donning an armour.
But I will tell you, you are beautiful, still
And brave, just for breathing.
And as you break and build, all over again,
I will tell you, you are beautiful,
You are beautiful.
And I need you to believe me.

All The Help They Need

And sometimes, all you can do to help someone...

Is let them help you.

The Friendship Clause

If I don't know you, and you don't know me,
How can we be sure, we aren't what we need?
If I don't know you, and you don't know me,
How can we be convinced, we couldn't be friends?

Lesson Learned

You still look like my first day of summer,
But now I know, not to gaze at the sun...

Of Paper Dreams

So, if you're okay with it,
Today,
I'll fly you off on my paper plane...
Wave goodbye to your stationery,
For we'll sweep right out of the window,
I think the wind will make for a slightly bumpy ride,
But you might like the touch of it on your skin.
We'll let the tall grass tickle our feet,
Before we land into the puddle.
And then,
We'll turn it into a boat.

Of Misplaced Pride

Do not tell me how you can move on easy,
Or how you don't care for mush.
Do not congratulate yourself,
For how you can now compartmentalize your brain and thinking,
And not be overwhelmed by life sometimes.
Do not tell me how you've mastered the art of not feeling,
Or how perfectly conscious you are at all times, that life goes on...
Do not claim as strength,
How grief no longer impedes your routine,
Or the world fails to excite you,
Or people, surprise you,
And how your eyes refuse to shine anymore...
Do not tell me how songs and words no longer move you,
And how much heartbreak you can take on, with a smile,
Or how people can never tell what you're thinking or feeling,
Cause you can hold up a straight front...
Have no pride there...
Or even, in how you no longer bleed for anything or anyone, anymore.
Do not think of it as a great feat...
I know how much effort it takes,
I am just not sure, its worth it.
Do not preach denial as rationality or balance,
Do not dress fear as courage or freedom.
Do not tell me how sensible you are,
Now that you hurt less the last time they cut you,
And how your arteries have now grown numb to pain...
You know you died a little then,
And you die a little each time you hurt less,
But growing up, isn't the same thing as dying...
Do not mistake incapacity to hope for wisdom.
I have nothing to learn from you,
If you cannot show me how to breathe...
I may not wear wisdom well,
But I am okay with it.
My life still halts with a jolt sometimes,
I get thrown right off the track often,
But I get on, back on, as and when I can.
I still crave butterflies and heartbreaks,
Silly laughter and mischief,
I am sorry, I am happier a child...
But I am, happier a child.
And I, still need things and people I love,
But its okay if they have to go sometimes,
I learn to make do with what I have,
And not need them to stay...
I still smile when I see something new,
And still try to be excited,
I do not forgo life for what I might lose,
And I will not have you tell me I should.
For you may be wise...
But I, I am alive.

No Redemption, Here

I still see blood when I look at my hands,
But on his face, you come alive sometimes...
I suppose you would still want to know,
So I'll tell you, the only thing I know...
You will find no redemption here...
Although,
I think, I have finally learnt to forgive myself,
I haven't forgiven god yet.

100 Things I Know About Her

100. She still reads his every status update off his Facebook wall. Perhaps, even likes photographs of mutual friends once in a while, hoping she'd cross his mind and for just one second he would hurt.
4. She likes to sit cross-legged. Knows yoga, and a thing or two about posture.
23. She likes strawberry ice cream, cherries and orange tang.
42. She loves to sing and knows she has a good voice.
16. Her greatest fear is dependence, needing things or someone. So she sings of freedom, perhaps a little too often. She still debates if she'd be better off lonely, but growing old is something she'd rather not think about.
77. On an average, she washes her hair about twice a week.
51. She likes to discover new perfumes and sweet odors but can't stand the same smell over an extended period of time.
7. She wants to buy a fridge, the ones with two doors and stuff it up with colorful fruits, things she's cooked and ice cream.
8. She is a good cook.
69. She is wary and suspicious of words. Experience has taught her not to trust words, sometimes even her own, no matter how earnestly they're said at the time. So she hates voicing her own ambitions out loud.
78. She believes people in love are delusional. Yet, she cannot help but love him or at least miss him.
5. Strong, is an expression she prides herself for wearing well.
91. She has a thing for order, organisation and cleanliness.
38. She loves children. Somewhere, there still lingers hope. She had an almost daughter once. Almost, was the hardest part.
45. Her favorite color is white.
26. She hates the word 'women empowerment', as if  women are not born inherently equal.
72. She puffs up her cheeks with air every time she consciously changes the subject in her mind or wants you to change yours, to random lighter things.
55. She snores when she's tired.
19. She still looks for closure. The last argument, the last goodbye were all a little too unfinished. Like an abrupt ending to a war, with no graceful farewells.
84. She wants to travel.
31. She loves attention, but she'd rather be in a quiet place, bored, than in a loud company, lonely.
22. Her father bought her roshogollas whenever she fell sick as a child. Roshogolla is her favorite sweet.
47. She can tell who's been crying. She cries often, privately.
48. Shes tries hard not to feel anything, too afraid if she let the hurt kick in, she'd shatter in ways she could never pick herself up again.
93. Far too many songs still remind her of him.
17. She likes to write things down, formula and methodology, it gives her a sense of clarity.
54. She worries about everything. Parents, job, Phd, future, him among other things. So, she's trained herself not to think. But somewhere in her subconscious one leak distracts her from the other, and she can't decide which leak to fix first or how to fix them all.
60. She still dreams. In the waking hours, of building a life beautiful and useful, at night, a whole new thriller movie.
98. I could be wrong about everything I think I know about her. She is not easily understood. And she changes, constantly.
36. She is a liar.
25. When she gets mad, she gets really mad and passionately mad.
99. There are things that I don't know about her, things that I already love, but might never know... and that kills me.
10. She is so tired... But, she can still smile, for now.
2. She cannot love me and I cannot unlove her.
1. She is beautiful, so beautiful.

Guide To The Right Escape

And, if you cannot eat, 'cause you want to leave,
Cannot sleep, 'cause you want to leave,
Cannot work, 'cause you want to leave,
Cannot breathe, 'cause you want to leave...
Then leave...
But, the right thing,
So that you may want to eat, sleep, work and breathe again.
Remember, it does not help to escape the country,
If you leave with the wrong luggage.

Ordinary Love

She says she has nothing new to offer,
She is nothing extraordinary,
And no one you haven't seen the likes of before...
I believe her.
She says she is nothing unusual,
She may have one or two stories,
But, they are not unheard of...
I believe her.
She says she is no hero,
She may act like the protagonist of a movie once in a while,
Stoic and strong...
But, we all do, sometimes.
She says she is nothing extraordinary,
I believe her.
She says there is nothing exceptional in the way I feel,
That there is nothing new,
Even... in this sense of invincible joy,
Of having known true happiness and beauty like nothing else before,
Or in this pain...
Of sinking to a bottomless ocean,
Or having a thousand shards of glass,
Rip right through your heart.
She says there is nothing extraordinary in the way I feel,
I believe her.
But, there is nothing ordinary about love.

Sorry, Thank You, Please

I know you are tired of me apologizing,
But, that's just all I have,
Usually when I say "I'm sorry",
I mean I'm sorry for existing,
I'm sorry for taking up your time,
And I'm sorry it's not always pleasant...
And I'm sorry I apologize,
I know it does not help.
But mostly, I'm sorry 'cause I don't know what else to say.
When I say "thank you",
I mean thank you for your time,
I never took one second for granted,
And I know you had a choice,
A lifetime is limited...
And I, I was never wasting time,
Even as I watched you tie your laces.
So thank you for your time.
But mostly, thank you, for you, as you are.
And when I say "please"...
I mean please is the only way I know how,
To stall goodbyes...
To let the magic linger, To keep you here,
Just a little longer, I know you're not mine to stay.

A Lucky, Lucky Day

You couldn't have known how those seven seconds mattered,
But they did.
They were extra and unanticipated,
They made the crazy chase up the stairs worth it.
I watched you blink one more time,
And the sun looked happy, playing with your hair.
You couldn't have known, but...
That was magic enough for today.

The Last Embers Alight

On most days, I don't feel anything, nothing.
The rain is just water on my skin,
Music is science with strings and decibel levels,
And you, you are no more than a memory,
Of a skeleton, with flesh and blood and nerves...
Until, on some days,
The rain comes crashing down on my skin with the force of bullets,
Music turns to exorcism,
And you, you are a miracle...that did not last.
On most days, I can deal with this.
On most days, I can shroud your memory in a sigh,
Or a word or a song,
I have no need to disrupt routine life.
But, would you believe me if I told you, that it kills me sometimes,
That I can go on with routine life...
Sometimes, I fear losing you all over again,
Like the first day when you will no longer cross my mind.
Sometimes, you remain, morphed in my choice of coffee,
Advice to friends on places to visit,
And the way I still talk in a tizzy or suddenly quieten down,
On the bus routes we would take home.
Sometimes you serve as an example,
A story, nobody needs to know the origin of,
Cause nobody asks after a theoretical construct.
Sometimes, it's not you that I miss,
But the couch in the living room, the western sun on the balcony,
The baking pan we bought one Saturday afternoon,
It was... so convenient,
The striped pair of socks I forgot in a hurry,
And the music collection I left on your hard disk.
Sometimes, it's not the loss of you that I suffer...
Your mother no longer calls me on my Birthday,
Your friend no longer thinks I am funny,
Your brother doesn't tell me which movies to watch anymore.
I did not just lose you, I lost more.
You were not all there was to you.
Sometimes, I worry there were more graceful ways to say goodbye,
Than, "I'm still here for you,
I just, shouldn't be with you."
Sometimes, I linger around places and people you still see,
Just to assure myself you still breathe the same air as me.
Sometimes, I still hurt... a lot, and wonder if you hurt too,
But, it's beginning to pass.
Nowadays, mostly, I just hope you know,
That it doesn't matter how or why...we couldn't be,
We couldn't have been.
But, every inch of you is still beautiful and worth loving.

Happy New Year

I hope this year, you suffer fewer blocked noses,

Discover new music and taste an incredible new dish.

I hope this year, you find that the ones you call family are worth keeping,
And all your friends, show up at just the right time.
I hope this year, you decide to look after yourself,
And find, that you are worth being looked after.
I hope this year, you find it easier to forgive,
Should you have to,
I hope this year, you won't have to.
I hope this year, brings to you odd new aspirations,
I hope this year, lets you fulfill them.
I hope this year, you rediscover why dreams are worth having.
I hope this year, you find goodwill in unexpected corners.
I hope this year, you love your job, your house and your neighbors.
I hope this year, it's less effort to talk, to explain, to love
I hope this year, you find yourself at peace, with yourself and the world.
I hope this year, you are surrounded by love.
I hope this year, brings to you whatever you are looking for.
But above all, I hope like I always have,
I hope this year, you find greater capacity to love.
Wish you a happy new year.